Memoirs of a Lich: Gods

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We once gave serious consideration to godhood. I think we were rare because we didn’t assume it was amazing. Unfortunately, most (un)holy books are propaganda puff pieces, so we went more direct to the sources. Basically, we murdered an awful lot of outsiders to learn a few vital secrets. Oh, that reminds me of a fun fact: a bell doesn’t ring every time an angel loses their wings (that’s the saying, right?). It’s...

Memoirs of a Lich: Gear

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. After thousands of years of murdering teams of well-outfitted adventurers, we’ve amassed quite the stockpile of junk. I am pretty sure we’ve got a closet somewhere so precariously stacked with portable holes and bags of holding that it unintentionally qualifies as a magical trap. At this point, anything we stumble into that’s less than a minor artifact isn’t really worth an identify spell,...

Memoirs of a Lich: Arcane Bonds

Dear Ivlysse, This is Osvaud. As my imp familiar, you are the only individual other than myself even remotely likely to ever read my diary. So I wanted to set aside this personal heartfelt message for you. Every young apprentice must decide if he or she is going to permanently invest arcane power into a paltry bauble or a living creature. Once this all-important choice is made, it can’t be unmade. Out of all the options in the multiverse, I...

Memoirs of a Lich: Lairs

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. As you read this, you are hopefully safely ensconced within the comfortable confines of your unassailable fortress. You are probably leisurely floating randomly through the Negative Energy Plane. Take a second to appreciate that vaguely soothing feeling living creatures equate with having their soul maimed. Now, admire the fine hand-crafted force effect construction. There’s a good reason most of your valuable...

Memoirs of a Lich: Monologues

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. Do you recall every single time some buffoon with a holy aura gave us a lecture on the error of our ways? How about all the rivals cursing our name with their dying breath? Yeah, I don’t either. It all basically blends together into an annoying mishmash after the first few dozen. Now, here’s the important part. That’s how we sound to everybody if we don’t properly prepare. Which brings us to...

Memoirs of a Lich: Monsters, Part 2

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. Here’s a status report on the murdering 13,680 commoners in 24 hours idea: totally doable but not nearly as fun as it sounds. The paralyzing everyone for appropriate placement actually makes it practical but also “incapacitates” any potential fun. They all look dead, so then, it feels like you’re walking around clawing a bunch of unresponsive corpses. We’d basically be doing it just to...

Memoirs of a Lich: Monsters, Part 1

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. A sign of a mature villain is recognizing that there are only so many people you can personally kill in a day. Now, I know what you are thinking (you painfully literal dingbat)… “Oh, I bet I can pump negative energy into 13,680 commoners in 24 hours if they all stand less than 30 feet away from each other.” First, good work accounting for that 5.0% of the time we somehow miss. Second, you are well...

Memoirs of a Lich: Relationships

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We’ve avoided this topic for a while mostly because it is crazy awkward but also to make sure any voyeuristic adventurers were dead ten times over before reading about our love life. If you are one and you somehow managed to get this far… you are seriously messed up if you keep reading. Think of it this way: how uncomfortable is it going to get later on when we are trying to kill each other? Although… maybe...

Memoirs of a Lich: Drama

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We have a flair for the theatrical. We’ve even been (fairly) accused of overdoing it on occasion. For example, if someone was to discover and read this diary, I wouldn’t stop it from happening. Where’s the fun in that? Heck, I would probably patiently watch, observing them through divinations or hanging out somewhere close by invisibly. That way, I can wait for them to read this very sentence and...

Memoirs of a Lich: Spellbooks

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. The worst part about being an ancient wizard is daily preparation. As time marches on, the list of magic we’ve learned gets longer and longer. We end up with a library of known spells and have to create a filing system to track them all. By comparison, the number of spells we can prepare in a given day doesn’t ever get much longer. Daily versatility is nice. I mean, we could be a sadsack lich sorcerer...

Memoirs of a Lich: Crafting

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. One of the reasons we’ve held on to our sanity for so long is our love of arts and crafts. It’s provided an endless series of fun hobbies and useful trinkets. I still fondly remember the looks on the faces of the minions when we gave them those itchy rainbow scarves we knit. The poor suckers were too afraid to take them off. Beyond random hilarity, our love of creation has produced treasure for luring in...

Memoirs of a Lich: Revenge

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. It is… I suppose… possible that some suicidally foolish spy still finds it appropriate to be reading the private thoughts of the ancient unkillable archmage. If that is the case, I actually want you to pay close attention to this particular page. Afterward, please take a second and imagine the worst possible thing that could happen to you. Then, realize that I am probably significantly more creative than you are....

Memoirs of a Lich: Vampires

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We’ve worked hard to catalogue a lot of important information for our use. On this particular occasion, we are going to be discussing literally nothing of real value. My only excuse is… what sort of bad guy would we be if we didn’t allow ourselves an occasional impassioned rant? Today’s topic is vampires. We really hate vampires. While liches are superior in every single way, vampires get held up...

Memoirs of a Lich: Schemes, Part 2

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. FYI, hidden within this diary is a complicated, incomplete code and cypher. Once you get the first messages pieced together, you’ll probably need to spend a couple of years following the thread of clues through perilous ruins leading to our actual secrets. Although, it is possible that is all a big prank we are playing on ourselves. I mean, we do have the time to set up that sort of elaborate deathtrap and...

Memoirs of a Lich: Schemes

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. Since I know this diary is 100% safe from being stolen or read by our enemies, I think it is time for us to begin going into detail about our grand evil plans. Hah! As if. First off, we don’t really do the epic plot thing anymore. Second, of course, if we were to do something along those lines, we wouldn’t conveniently leave pertinent details in an exposition-friendly few paragraphs. So, any hopeful...


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