Memoirs of a Lich: Crafting

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. One of the reasons we’ve held on to our sanity for so long is our love of arts and crafts. It’s provided an endless series of fun hobbies and useful trinkets. I still fondly remember the looks on the faces of the minions when we gave them those itchy rainbow scarves we knit. The poor suckers were too afraid to take them off. Beyond random hilarity, our love of creation has produced treasure for luring in...

Memoirs of a Lich: Revenge

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. It is… I suppose… possible that some suicidally foolish spy still finds it appropriate to be reading the private thoughts of the ancient unkillable archmage. If that is the case, I actually want you to pay close attention to this particular page. Afterward, please take a second and imagine the worst possible thing that could happen to you. Then, realize that I am probably significantly more creative than you are....

Memoirs of a Lich: Vampires

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We’ve worked hard to catalogue a lot of important information for our use. On this particular occasion, we are going to be discussing literally nothing of real value. My only excuse is… what sort of bad guy would we be if we didn’t allow ourselves an occasional impassioned rant? Today’s topic is vampires. We really hate vampires. While liches are superior in every single way, vampires get held up...

Memoirs of a Lich: Schemes, Part 2

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. FYI, hidden within this diary is a complicated, incomplete code and cypher. Once you get the first messages pieced together, you’ll probably need to spend a couple of years following the thread of clues through perilous ruins leading to our actual secrets. Although, it is possible that is all a big prank we are playing on ourselves. I mean, we do have the time to set up that sort of elaborate deathtrap and...

Memoirs of a Lich: Schemes

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. Since I know this diary is 100% safe from being stolen or read by our enemies, I think it is time for us to begin going into detail about our grand evil plans. Hah! As if. First off, we don’t really do the epic plot thing anymore. Second, of course, if we were to do something along those lines, we wouldn’t conveniently leave pertinent details in an exposition-friendly few paragraphs. So, any hopeful...

Memoirs of a Lich: Traps

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. So that you are aware, we routinely soak this diary in black lotus extract, dragon bile, and tears of death. I know that poison doesn’t matter to us, but I’m hoping some nosy breather managed to skim this far in roughly one minute. Oh, and those first couple of sentences have a sepia snake sigil. Now, any living snoop gets to have a fun debate with their god on whether the poisons still affect them. My...

Memoirs of a Lich: Treasure

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. If you are not Osvaud, then you should ask yourself how a smart guy like me let you get your grubby hands on his diary? I mean, face the facts… I’m an immortal super genius with enough magical power to make solars soil themselves. What sounds more likely: I wanted you to read this thing because I am messing with you, or you’re some one-in-a-million special snowflake capable of getting something I...

Memoirs of a Lich: Frenemies

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We have a lot of enemies, but some of our best friends are technically enemies. Most aren’t usually really trying to kill you and are probably willing to murder others attempting to rob them of a victory after centuries of conflict. Plus, they work hard to keep existence interesting and can actually surprise you. After eons of chess games using nations and undead dinosaur assassins as pieces, you end up with...

Memoirs of a Lich: Wannabes

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. I’m assuming at this point that you’ve bought in on the idea that I am you. Just in case, I’d like to call attention to your fourth rib down on the left. Upon close inspection, you will find an arcane mark of our favorite four letter word. For any home-invaders, I humbly recommend that you go arcane mark yourself. Like, what did I ever do to you anyway?! Actually, don’t answer that. For one thing, this is a...

Memoirs of a Lich: Prophecy

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. It is extremely important for you to forever remember the dire prophecy surrounding our downfall. They say a powerful group of four to six humanoids shall someday gain this diary and use it to bring about your final death. You shall know them by their purity of spirit being matched only by their ability to thwart your vile schemes. Each shall be born under the light of a crescent moon in the year of the owlbear to...

Memoirs of a Lich: Mistakes

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. I can prove it by relaying a personal, private detail from our past that you’ll never forget (no matter how far gone we become). Remember that time we dominated the dragon to act as a mount and how awesome it was? Okay, now, recall how we neglected to prepare a feather fall spell, thinking that we’d just cast fly if we needed to? As it turns out, you fall more than two hundred feet in about the same time as it takes...

Memoirs of a Lich: Allies

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. In case you still don’t believe me, I draw your attention to the masterful doodle of a pit fiend and balor engaged in a tender yet passionate embrace on the opposite page. Who else would know what that actually looks like? Here’s hoping Duke Adrastor and Lord Gordrak the Eviscerator work out. They make such a cute couple, and we helped make that particular miracle of matchmaking happen. To any Sir...

Memoirs of a Lich: Minions

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. If this is being read by anyone else, I want to be clear that this whole diary is a well-planned distraction, and my legions of cunning henchmen (and henchwomen, I’m an equal opportunity antagonist) are surrounding you at this very moment! Hah hah. No not really. That would be great if it was true though, right? No, I’ll inevitably have to kill you myself. Which brings me to today’s topic—minions....

Memoirs of a Lich: Arrogance

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. You can be sure it is me because I’m the only one who knows about our phylactery’s super-secret hiding place. Keep reading, and you’ll see I’m telling the absolute truth. For any sneaky protagonists taking a gander at my private thoughts, I’d say it is a bad idea to sneak a peek at an ancient lich’s diary. You never know when he might throw an explosive runes in the middle of a...

Memoirs of a Lich: Introduction

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We are writing things down because our memory is falling apart in our extreme decrepitude. If we stop remembering how great we are, we’ll just start moping about with nothing to do. Neither of us wants to end up a floating bejeweled skull. I mean, we’ve spent millennia building up our wardrobe. It is only a matter of time before that pink robe of the archmagi is back in fashion. So sit up, and pay...


Pin It on Pinterest