Friday Funny

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We once gave serious consideration to godhood. I think we were rare because we didn’t assume it was amazing. Unfortunately, most (un)holy books are propaganda puff pieces, so we went more direct to the sources. Basically, we murdered an awful lot of outsiders to learn a few vital secrets. Oh, […]

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. After thousands of years of murdering teams of well-outfitted adventurers, we’ve amassed quite the stockpile of junk. I am pretty sure we’ve got a closet somewhere so precariously stacked with portable holes and bags of holding that it unintentionally qualifies as a magical trap. At this point, anything we stumble

Dear Ivlysse, This is Osvaud. As my imp familiar, you are the only individual other than myself even remotely likely to ever read my diary. So I wanted to set aside this personal heartfelt message for you. Every young apprentice must decide if he or she is going to permanently invest arcane power into a

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. As you read this, you are hopefully safely ensconced within the comfortable confines of your unassailable fortress. You are probably leisurely floating randomly through the Negative Energy Plane. Take a second to appreciate that vaguely soothing feeling living creatures equate with having their soul maimed. Now, admire the fine hand-crafted

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. Do you recall every single time some buffoon with a holy aura gave us a lecture on the error of our ways? How about all the rivals cursing our name with their dying breath? Yeah, I don’t either. It all basically blends together into an annoying mishmash after the first

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. Here’s a status report on the murdering 13,680 commoners in 24 hours idea: totally doable but not nearly as fun as it sounds. The paralyzing everyone for appropriate placement actually makes it practical but also “incapacitates” any potential fun. They all look dead, so then, it feels like you’re walking

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. A sign of a mature villain is recognizing that there are only so many people you can personally kill in a day. Now, I know what you are thinking (you painfully literal dingbat)… “Oh, I bet I can pump negative energy into 13,680 commoners in 24 hours if they all

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We’ve avoided this topic for a while mostly because it is crazy awkward but also to make sure any voyeuristic adventurers were dead ten times over before reading about our love life. If you are one and you somehow managed to get this far… you are seriously messed up if

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We have a flair for the theatrical. We’ve even been (fairly) accused of overdoing it on occasion. For example, if someone was to discover and read this diary, I wouldn’t stop it from happening. Where’s the fun in that? Heck, I would probably patiently watch, observing them through divinations or

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. The worst part about being an ancient wizard is daily preparation. As time marches on, the list of magic we’ve learned gets longer and longer. We end up with a library of known spells and have to create a filing system to track them all. By comparison, the number of

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. One of the reasons we’ve held on to our sanity for so long is our love of arts and crafts. It’s provided an endless series of fun hobbies and useful trinkets. I still fondly remember the looks on the faces of the minions when we gave them those itchy rainbow

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. It is… I suppose… possible that some suicidally foolish spy still finds it appropriate to be reading the private thoughts of the ancient unkillable archmage. If that is the case, I actually want you to pay close attention to this particular page. Afterward, please take a second and imagine the

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. We’ve worked hard to catalogue a lot of important information for our use. On this particular occasion, we are going to be discussing literally nothing of real value. My only excuse is… what sort of bad guy would we be if we didn’t allow ourselves an occasional impassioned rant? Today’s

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. FYI, hidden within this diary is a complicated, incomplete code and cypher. Once you get the first messages pieced together, you’ll probably need to spend a couple of years following the thread of clues through perilous ruins leading to our actual secrets. Although, it is possible that is all a

Dear Osvaud, This is Osvaud. Since I know this diary is 100% safe from being stolen or read by our enemies, I think it is time for us to begin going into detail about our grand evil plans. Hah! As if. First off, we don’t really do the epic plot thing anymore. Second, of course,