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Your Whispering Homunculus: d12 Table Time, Part One

Your Whispering Homunculus: d12 Table Time, Part One

d12 Table Time

“Master, you’ve been in there an awful long time, are you alright?”

“Of course I am, and stop interrupting me. I’m just studying volume XXXII of Barn’s Almanac of Dubiously Useful Random Tables, using only the twelve-sided dice. Now, if you haven’t got anything better to do, go away and rebuild that broken harpsichord.”

For no good reason whatsoever, here is a collection of extremely obscure and random d12 charts. So obtuse are they that each comes with a suggestion or two about what use they may be in your own campaign.


12 Pretend Familiars for Frustrated Would-be Wizards or Actors in the Role of Wizards

Some people may set great store by pretending to be powerful (and not so powerful) wizards and witches; in a place where magic is real, those who seemingly command such power may earn respect and possibly fear in equal measure. Not all those who pretend have done such a good job, however; sometimes their props are very homemade, coming from cheap street theaters or mummers who have used them as props during plays, songs, and other entertainments. Depends who they’re trying to fool I guess…

  1. A carved wooden raven with a wooden raven on its shoulder
  2. A dead dried toad on a length of leather cord
  3. A fake snake made of rope and wool
  4. A false bat made out of cowhide and a lump of coal hanging pathetically from a stick
  5. A glove made from a mole
  6. A glove puppet weasel
  7. A papyrus cut-out crow
  8. A pretend owl made of feathers, glass and parts of a harpsichord
  9. A shoulder-gripping stuffed tortoiseshell cat
  10. A stuffed dead dodo
  11. A stuffed ferret wearing a monocle
  12. A wicker cat

A Dozen Fantasy Pet’s Names

Just in case that vile barbarian has a pet cat or ferret, or on the off-chance that you need a bit of background color for a tavern or street-market, here are a dozen very handy names for mighty animals that happen to be somebody’s pet.

  1. Agrippa the Slippery
  2. Ashfor the Unbidden
  3. Fang the Terrible
  4. Karkas Nightherald
  5. Mipwell the Mildly Magnificent
  6. Moorg, Chosen of Bokk
  7. Ob
  8. Ogram the Mangy
  9. Petal the Slayer
  10. Telltroth the Sly
  11. The Appalling Zor
  12. The Herald of Oblivion

Your Whispering HomunculusA Dozen Notable Ten Foot Poles

Let’s face it, ten-foot poles have been around for a long time—right back since the inception of fantasy gaming in fact. Some must surely be better than others. Of those, some must have been more noteworthy, sought after, or infamous as a result, so here are twelve of them.

  1. A charmingly decorated Mudger’s ten-foot pole, decorated with miniature painted rural scenes rendered in oils
  2. A Cloater and Daughter lightweight throwing ten-foot pole with spearhead
  3. A Dobbins and Chudd ten-foot pole along with its original instruction book written in Dwarvish
  4. A fine example of an unusual red and white stripped Kopper’s ten-foot pole
  5. A startlingly good specimen of a Turgg’s ten-foot pole complete with red leather-bound handles
  6. A matching pair of Bradwell and Bradwell ten-foot poles with their original strapping
  7. A rare working example of a Lilath’s Musical Pipes ten-foot pole
  8. A rather bruised and abused but unmistakable example of a Nudd’s ten-foot pole
  9. A superb Wallis and Fudd walnut-edged lightweight ten-foot pole
  10. A wonderful specimen of a brass-edged Wigwell, Wigmor, Wiggs and Wigley luxury gentleman’s three-yards-and-a-foot pole
  11. An antique folding Topper and Simm ten-foot pole with silver and brass filigree work
  12. An infamous Hopkin’s ten-foot pole, etched with infernal writing and demonic face ends

Twelve Fantasy Cheeses

So here are twelve, you know, cheeses for fantasy games just in case you might need them. Not all of them may be cheese; they may be something else, pretending to be cheese, created by tinkering spellcasters keen to create vessels for their magic foulness. Magic cheese is something a future YWH may well detail further, in fact.

  1. A round of festering cockatrice cheese
  2. A somewhat moldy specimen of rarely seen pegasus cheese
  3. A sturdy and palatable dire goat cheese
  4. A very runny example of bulette cheese
  5. An aged blue veined leucrota cheese
  6. Choice rounds of great griffon cheeses
  7. Curiously smelly lamia cheese
  8. Extra strong centaur mare cheese
  9. Finest chimera cheese
  10. Oak-smoked hippogriff cheese
  11. Unctuous owlbear cheese
  12. Year-aged finest veined pregnant choker cheese

A Dozen Unlikely Alliances

Use these as conversation stoppers mumbled over rancid ale, as concerns for less than enlightened leaders who worry about the security of their borders, or as really, really hard tests to your writing and GMing skills by fleshing out such preposterous plots.

  1. Infernus Diabolis—the union of erinyes and awakened ochre jellies
  2. The Army of Bokk and his legions of battle-hardened chokers astride infernal anhkegs
  3. The Army of Lord Gok, rank upon rank of bulette-riding kobolds supported by a winged force of harpies
  4. The Black Rod; the vile alliance of ettin witches, otyughs and flocks of striges
  5. The Cataclysm of Forg and its terrible armies of sahaugin, orange dwarves and topiary triceratops
  6. The Dark Forces of Yore – stegosaurus-riding dire corbys and flumph cavalry
  7. The gibbering mouther and manticore battalions of Odd
  8. The hellish northern alliance of ropers and axe beaks
  9. The hellish xorn/wraith/pixie alliance
  10. The Iron Hand of the Rakshasa and their slave cohorts of dire wolverines and giant slugs
  11. The Marriage of Medusa, Satyr and Vegepygmy
  12. The Vargouille and Goblin Giggling Obscenity


Your Whispering Homunculus: 50 Treasures of the Southlands, Part Two


3 thoughts on “Your Whispering Homunculus: d12 Table Time, Part One”

  1. It has not escaped my notice that Kopper’s ten-foot poles are preferred by finer gentlemen adventurers. Their hair is always well coifed and their beards neatly trimmed.

    1. You’re quite clearly a fellow of good breeding. Such gentlemen are also readily spotted even at distance by their preference in poles, although one could always aspire to own a Wigwell, Wigmor, Wiggs and Wigley luxury gentleman’s three-yards-and-a-foot pole and have it suitably modified by one’s man…

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