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The D% Roll – The Complete Bastard’s Polymorph

The D% Roll – The Complete Bastard’s Polymorph

The toad, frog and newt are classic choices for a transmuting mage with an itchy casting finger and a prepared polymorph any object. However, sometimes your foe deserves something more creative or stylish. Below is a list of forms that will add some memorable panache to the proceedings.

d%   Result (Duration)
1.     A 120-foot-long trading carrack (1 hour)
2.     A 20 foot diameter soap bubble, which floats upwards at 5’ per round (1 hour)
3.     A 25,000 pound bunch of bananas (1 hour)
4.     A 90’ radius sombrero. (1 hour)
5.     A battered toupee made of real hair that replicates the target’s hairstyle. (3 hours)
6.     A black-leather bound unholy book of scriptures (1 hour)
7.     A bolt of lightning. All within 5’ take 3d6 electrical damage. (3 hours)
8.     A bonsai Yggdrasil (1 hour)
9.     A bottle of 10-year-old malted whiskey. “Adventurer’s Blend: 100 proof, not polymorph proof” (1 hour)
10.     A brass miniature elephant raising a tankard with its trunk (1 hour)
11.     A cask of Lumpy’s Black Ale; so deliciously frothy and tempting. (3 hours)
12.     A cast-iron wheelbarrow with a shonky front wheel (3 hour)
13.     A chastity belt (used) (1 hour)
14.     A chunk of Pure Evil. Roll 1d4.
     1= A malignant cancerous cyst of Negative Energy;
     2 = An Abyssal Monopoly set;
     3 = An infernal wheel clamp;
     4 = That D12 Which Rolls Ones For Your Barbarian’s Hit Points. (1 hour)
15.     A comfortable human-leather armchair, perfect for preparing spells. (2 days)
16.     A disgruntled rain cloud. The cloud has a 50% chance to create 1d6 lightning bolts when created (3d6 dam; Reflex half DC 13) (3 hours)
17.     A doppelganger in its natural form, often accompanied with a statement like “May I present to you my trusted ally, who has infiltrated your organization for months.”
18.     A faultless fortune cookie “You will become a tasty snack” (1 hour)
19.     A foot-long shoe horn (1 hour)
20.     A foul-smelling, lit tallow candle (1 hour)


21.     A fully functioning tavern named the “Retching Kraken” that serves free ale. If the caster masquerades as a hooded stranger, he can recruit 2d4 adventurers to attack the target’s companions. (1 hour)
22.     A Gingerbread House of Ill Repute (1 hour)
23.     A growth of poisonous mushrooms (1 hour)
24.     A headstone engraved with the caster’s choice of epitaph (1 hour)
25.     A hookah with 16 hoses (1 hour)
26.     A human-sized white chess piece (knight). The caster always refers to it as “the horsey one”. (3 hours)
27.     A life-sized ice sculpture of the target (3 hours)
28.     A lonely Brussels sprout (1 hour)
29.     A loom creating a half-woven tapestry of this battle (3 hours)
30.     A lush topiary of the target (3 hours)
31.     A Mandelbrotwurst. Fractalicious! (1 hour)
32.     A ninja muffin (1 hour)
33.     A non-functional time machine (3 hours)
34.     A pair of defamatory book ends forged from iron (1 hour)
35.     A patch of quicksand (1 hour)
36.     A pathogenic strain of Escherichia coli. To survive, the target must infect a humanoid within 5’ with dysentery (1 week)
37.     A periodic dining table of the elements (Fire, Earth, Air, Water) (1 hour)
38.     A pimpin’ purple velvet top hat (1 hour)
39.     A plate full of mashed potatoes and Gravity. Splat. (1 hour)
40.     A pleasant geranium (1 hour)


41.     A plump, delicious lobster (1 week)
42.     A poor-quality wooden carving of a spaniel (1 hour)
43.     A preserved educational skeleton on a stand (2 days)
44.     A puddle of bile (1 hour)
45.     A ratty linen handkerchief monogrammed with the target’s initials (1 hour)
46.     A set of stocks, suitable for a medium-sized creature (1 hour)
47.     A sheaf of paper containing the caster’s favorite musical score (1 hour)
48.     A snow-globe with a dungeon theme (1 hour)
49.     A spare set of the caster’s keys for the door to his basement, having misplaced his original set. (1 hour)
50.     A spinning top. At the end of the spell’s duration the target is nauseated for 1d4 hours. (1 hour)
51.     A steaming umble pie – a handy snack for a mage on the go (1 hour)
52.     A strawberry plant in fruit (2d6 strawberries) (1 hour)
53.     A sublime oil portrait of the target, some part of which follows the viewer. There is a 50% chance the subject is nude (2 days)
54.     A tarot deck, featuring the target as the Fool (3 hours)
55.     A tawdry sign claiming that the target contains the “most pox-free courtesans in town” (1 hour)
56.     A trepanation Barbie (1 hour)
57.     A Treponema pallidum bacteria. To survive, the target must infect a humanoid within 5’ with syphilis (1 week)
58.     A tumbleweed (1 hour)
59.     A two-ton ACME-brand magnet (1 hour)
60.     A welcome mat (1 hour)


61.     A were–Care Bear (as the flesh to plush spell) (1 hour)
62.     A wilted black rose. The caster is a hopeless romantic. (1 hour)
63.     A wooden puzzle depicting the target. It has four pieces intentionally left missing (3 hours)
64.     A written, formal invitation to “Get the hell out of my secret doomsday lair” (1 hour)
65.     An albino manatee (permanent)
66.     An anatomically correct gingerbread man (3 hours)
67.     An animated, still-beating heart (1 hour)
68.     An anxious-looking dodo (1 week)
69.     An arthritic three-toed sloth (permanent)
70.     An Ebola virus. To survive, the target must infect a humanoid within 5’ (1 week)
71.     An elaborate ceramic chamberpot (1 hour)
72.     An elaborate music box, constructed to play the caster’s theme song. (1 hour)
73.     An elaborate spider web, complete with the caster’s insult of their choice (1 hour)
74.     An extremely small violin. The caster may play sarcastic music as a free action. (1 hour)
75.     An hourglass showing the spell’s duration remaining (1 hour)
76.     An ice-sculpture of a swan, ideal for a victory party (1 hour)
77.     An infant version of the target (permanent)
78.     An ingot of iron stamped with a surprised image of the target’s face (1 hour)
79.     An iron spork. One object, many uses. (1 hour)
80.     An obese slug, just waiting for some salt (1 week)


81.     An original Scavtroyshka, emblematic of the target (3 hours)
82.     An out-of-control organ-grinder’s monkey (permanent)
83.     An unnecessarily cute fairy penguin (1 week)
84.     Caster’s choice of: An anvil; piano; steel safe; or boulder. Especially useful if the target flies above its allies. (3 hours)
85.     Caster’s choice of; a rock that beats paper; a pair of scissors that beats rock; or paper that beats scissors (1 hour)
86.     Documentary proof of the caster’s Royal Ancestry (1 hour)
87.     Love. In this case a gooey mass injected directly into a humanoid within 5’. These chemicals imitate the effects of an elixir of love. (1 hour)
88.     No-one has any idea what it is, but they like it. (1 hour)
89.     The air around the target congeals into an advanced gelatinous cube (3 hours)
90.     The children’s book “How the incompetent adventurer was transmuted into a children’s book” (1 hour)
91.     The ground underneath the target becomes a bouncy ball-pit. (permanent)
92.     The rear half of a pantomime horse costume (3 hours)
93.     The target’s boot/shoe is polymorphed into a armed trebuchet (1 week)
94.     The target’s glove/gauntlet becomes a small crocodile. There is a 10% chance the target is up to its wrist in something other than the crocodile’s mouth. (3 hours)
95.     The target’s goggles/glasses become a small octopus (1 hour)
96.     The target’s hat/helm is polymorphed into a moderately vexed Tyrannosaurus Rex (20 minutes)
97.     The target’s mount is polymorphed into a set bear trap. (1 hour)
98.     Roll twice and combine results
99.     Roll three times and ignore results
100.     DM’s choice. Be cruel.

Got a favorite polymorph shape for laughs or vengeance? Share it in comments!

7 thoughts on “The D% Roll – The Complete Bastard’s <i>Polymorph</i>”

  1. This was really funny!

    I can see an entire adventure or character concept developed from just about any of these.

    Nice, nice job!

  2. that was inspired, can’t wait to play that transmuter in my buddy’s next campaign and try a few of these out!

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