Dirty Jobs: Parent

Dirty Jobs: Parent

Photo by GaborfromHungary


Hervard the Steady was one of the greatest wizards of his time: a capable adventurer and a renowned university lecturer. Intelligence and perseverance made him a great wizard; generosity and patience made him a great teacher. And he had great talent for divination. Legend has it that on his last day of life at the age of 176, he informed his students that class would end early, handed them all their final grades, sat down at his desk, and died.

There was a time early in his career when even his patience was stretched. As a result of overly ambitious cloning experiments and injudicious dimensional travel, Hervard married three versions of the same sorceress and had 27 children in the space of about six years. He devoted his time and talent over the next few decades to supporting this immense household, and he did some of his best work designing spells to keep track of all his children. Since most of them were magically gifted in one way or another and almost immediately began manifesting strange abilities, this was a challenge.

Accelerated Rest

2nd-level enchantment (ritual)
Casting time:  10 min
Range: 10 feet
Components: V, S, M
Duration: Concentration up to 1 hour

The target creature falls immediately into a deep slumber. Unwilling creatures may make a Wisdom save. Over the next hour, the spell both accelerates time to about double speed and keeps the target in the deepest stages of sleep. If the hour passes uninterrupted, the target counts as having had a long rest.

This spell only works on other people. Since the caster must concentrate on the spell, they cannot be the target.

If the rest is interrupted for any reason, the creature that was resting counts as stunned. They rise from deepest slumber with their senses muffled and disjointed. Each round on their initiative, the affected character can make a Wisdom save DC 10 to negate the effect.

If cast at a higher level, the spell affects 2 more creatures for each slot level above the second.

“Hervard, listen to me very carefully. I haven’t slept properly in three weeks. There are 27 children in this house, and there are only three of me. If I don’t get sleep, I am going to start reducing the number of children.”
“I am not joking Hervard.”
“Well, there is something we could try. It was going to be your birthday present, but it’s not finished. It may still be dangerous to use.”
“Does it look more dangerous than I do right now?”


1st-level Conjuration
Casting time:  1 action
Range: 90 feet
Components: V, M (an iron nail with a bit of string tied to it)
Duration: Concentration, up to 1 minute

The caster chooses a spot within range. All creatures within 10 feet are affected and must make a Strength check to move away from the center of the spell. If they succeed, they move as if in difficult terrain. If they fail, they cannot move that turn and are pulled 10 feet toward the center of the spell. If any affected creature makes two successful Strength checks in a row, the spell is broken and all those affected are freed.

“I need you to wait for me here.”
“Yes, Dad.”
“Where do I need you to wait?”
“Right here, Dad.”
“Do I need to cast the spell?”
“No, Dad.”


2nd-level divination
Casting time:  1 action
Range: 10 feet
Components: V, S
Duration: 12 hours

Touching the target places an invisible mark on them. For the next half day, you can sense three things about the target. You know their distance from you to within 10 feet, you know their direction, and you know their general state of mind. This emotional awareness is not nearly as precise or powerful as an empathic link, but it will let the caster sense large, powerful emotions like terror, ecstasy, serious pain, or intense curiosity.

The target can choose to make an Intelligence save if they are aware of the spell being cast. If the mark is discovered later, the target can choose to make an Intelligence save. If they fail, the mark stays for the duration of the spell. The invisible mark can be seen with detect magic, see invisible, arcane eye, and true seeing.

When scrying, trace can be used in place of a body part, lock of hair, or a bit of fingernail. It imposes a -10 penalty on saves.

“Let me get this straight, okay? Your brother changed into a bird?”
“Then he…?”
“Flew into a tree. So I had to chase him. So I just turned into a cat.”
“A cat. Right. Of course. And then what did your bother do?”
“He flew away. With the geese. I think they were geese. They were headed south.”
“None of you is ever leaving the house again.”

Unseen Librarian

1st-level conjuration (ritual)
Casting time:  1 action
Range: 60 ft.
Components: V, M (a skull shard from the orbit of the eye)
Duration: 8 hours

This spell creates an invisible, shapeless force that finds and reads books until the spell ends. The servant springs into existence in an unoccupied space on the ground within range. It has AC 10, 1 hit point, and a Strength of 2, and it can’t attack. If it drops to 0 hit points, the spell ends.

The librarian will find any book within 300 feet that the caster (or other character designated by the caster) requests. The book must be requested by the name on the cover. If the book is not within range or the name was not correct, the librarian returns empty handed. It cannot give the reason for its failure.

Once the librarian returns with the book, it will read it out loud in the voice of the author. The librarian can also search through a book in 1d3 rounds to find instances of a word or group of words. It grants advantage on all Investigation checks performed using a collection of books.

“Read me another story!”

For more magically delicious spell options, just CAST our eyes on Deep Magic.



6 thoughts on “Dirty Jobs: Parent”

  1. Oh, I sooo wish these spells were real when the kids were younger! No, they’re teenagers,… I could still use these spells! All of them!

  2. This is a great series, and this installment is positively inspired!
    Yes, *this* is what magic would be like if wizards were real.

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