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Your Whispering Homunculus – 100 Strange Furnishings

Your Whispering Homunculus – 100 Strange Furnishings

Strange Furnishings

Art by Mike Lowe

“This the east wing. We’re going to have all this knocked through.”

“Impressive, potential master, very impressive.”

“So tell me again, er—possible slave, who have you familiared for before?”

“Ooo, many great masters: Dolus the Magenta, Whitly the Tarish Orange, and Murky son of Murky—to name but three.”

“I see, I see, and do you mind awfully if I ask—just what exactly are you?”

“Well I’m a type of homunculus made up of fish parts, pigs bits, and the greater portions of a gargoyle. But my former master simply called me Bruce. Tell me, potential master, if I may ask, what is in that beer bottle on top of the housekeeper’s cabinet?”

“That? Oh nothing. Just part of the furniture—an old familiar I discarded some time ago, Bruce.”

Let’s face it. We’re all surrounded by furniture, and yet, in general, it plays only a tertiary background role in adventures; furnishings, if you will. This seems to be an opportunity missed; it’s all very well having collections of dormice, trays of carefully catalogued stirge proboscis, and an unrivalled collection of flies, but where is it all housed? What does Zandooor the Magenta sit upon when he breakfasts? Does he spend his hours locked away in a strange cupboard or lost in a warehouse-sized study that would make the busiest antique shop look shabby?

Here is a selection of one hundred extremely odd bits of furniture and items of houseware to throw casually into lairs and meeting rooms, taverns, wizard’s towers, and brothels. Use them as nothing more than furnishings if you like, but perhaps they could form the basis for strange magic items, unusual treasure receptacles, or maybe even whole adventures.

  1. A mahogany invalid’s chair with deep gouges along one arm
  2. A walnut bureau depicting scenes of sheep being milked by wolves and bearing iron tiles representing all the moods of humanity
  3. A magnificent hall stand, complete with arched mirror, a dozen hooks, and a trio of grinning bugbear skulls with glass eyes
  4. A set of pine herb drawers; 82 drawers in total, each labelled, but one of which is for “dead starlings”
  5. A burr-walnut pipe cabinet with twelve pipes whose bowls depict crows wearing different hats
  6. A rosewood revolving bookcase with thirteen carved jackdaws each holding potion vials made of green glass and silver
  7. A bowfront mahogany bedside cabinet with a perched pewter dragon bedside lamp
  8. A walnut corner chair with cloaker skin seat concealing a small writing case
  9. A set of eight mahogany dining chairs, seven of which have smiling faces on their back support, the eighth of which has a carved skull back
  10. A rosewood and leather library chair with genuine manticore legs
  11. A mahogany-framed reading chair with adjustable footrest depicting slaves being burned alive
  12. A parlor chair stuffed with dead rats
  13. A burr-walnut cabinet crammed with jars of preserved teeth in vinegar
  14. A mahogany apothecary’s chest with deep gouges
  15. A tortoise shell table snuff-box set with six crow feet
  16. A funeral urn made of fine porcelain some four feet high
  17. A harpsichord with one key deliberately removed
  18. A hanging corner cupboard crammed with preserved cheeses
  19. A joined oak stool with troll-shin legs
  20. A tripod table with choker skin covering
  21. A pine sheep bench
  22. A dowry chest inlaid with enamel pictures depicting lusty milkmaids
  23. A large-sized child’s chair
  24. A two-hundred candle candelabrum
  25. A ceramic phrenology head made from a human skull and inlaid with gold detailing for the aspects
  26. A set of iron library steps with a silver handle upon which sits a stuffed cat
  27. A pine sugar box set with iron teeth
  28. A pine churn covered in graffiti of love hearts
  29. A fruitwood settle with a sconce made of a kobold skull
  30. An iron-bound washtub with a huge dent in the base and an enormous toothmark near the top
  31. A giltwood wall-mirror with filigree work showing angels beheading angry wild boar
  32. A three-fold screen with floral patterns, the reverse of which depict a blighted, dead land
  33. A four-fold mahogany screen, each panel painted to depict panoramic scenes
  34. Cushions filled with ettin stubble
  35. A bookcase inlaid with fingernails
  36. A walnut firescreen with mounted stuffed cockerel
  37. A satinwood kettle stand with mouse carved at the base of one leg
  38. A set of mahogany bed steps that creak at odd times
  39. A set of leather-lined mahogany library steps each runner of which is etched with a poem about goats
  40. A rosewood card table with a devil face under the lid
  41. A walnut torchѐre set with six iron bands depicting juggling, rat-faced clowns
  42. A bookcase with a huge iron pentagram atop it
  43. A ceramic roper bust on a walnut stand
  44. A ceramic dragon-turtle bust on an iron stand
  45. A dragon-turtle shell-veneer folding table
  46. A sack chair
  47. A table with warped legs
  48. A teak camphor chest with grinning, demented angelic handles
  49. A maple linen chest with false bottom holding a number of lewd porcelain figures
  50. A military chest with silver handles, three drawers, and iron-edged pigeon holes—the chest is covered in crossbow bolt holes
  51. A hefty stone and iron chest made from a petrified and carved xorn
  52. A mahogany kneehole desk with concealed drawer and leather bound sides
  53. A pedestal desk with a kidney-shaped mirror and cockatrice face grips
  54. A dressing table mirror with dragon in flight crest of iron and brass
  55. A battered padded seat with the remains of a spear hole thrust through it
  56. A nest of tables, each with carved human faces in the act of screaming
  57. A ten foot long dresser with ivory handled drawers
  58. A decorated butter churn with silver knobs set with mother of pearl teeth
  59. A blue-painted pine box settle holding hatboxes full of wax fruit
  60. A green painted pine rocking chair
  61. A painted pine cupboard depicting the gates of Hell
  62. A walnut writing desk with infernal graffiti scratched into it
  63. A mahogany and dire stag antler hat stand
  64. A carved giltwood bed with griffon-feather inlaid headboard
  65. A painted cane bed with a headboard depicting doves
  66. A pharaohic-style carved ebony bed
  67. A gothic mirror hall stand with three skum skulls as sconces
  68. A coffin
  69. A carved wooden chair made to resemble a squatting toadish demon with four heads
  70. A maple washstand with ceramic basin with nonsense rhymes written on it
  71. A very battered and overly comfortable day bed that smells vaguely of honey and sweat
  72. A satinwood and bone folio stand inlaid with iron eyes and fingers
  73. A rosewood window seat set with four iron gargoyle faces
  74. A cradle made of scrimshaw
  75. A cradle made of lashed troll bones
  76. A pine flight of 77 drawers, labelled for various low-level spell components
  77. A bronze candelabrum depicting angels being chased by stirges
  78. A centaur hair pictorial prayer rug
  79. A beech winged rocking chair with carved grinning goblin faces
  80. A grotesque cabinet-on-stand inlaid with scarabs and stag beetles
  81. A brass mounted book stand with a secret central compartment
  82. An oak and iron offertory box
  83. A walnut traveling box with roper-tentacle holds
  84. An iron and walnut marriage chest on a plinth with four wheels carved like weeping ravens
  85. A satin birch and ebony bookcase inlaid with dire crocodile teeth
  86. A bamboo bedside cabinet with monkey paw handles
  87. A stuffed dire bear with a secret cupboard
  88. A mahogany linen press carved with angelic figures and set with thirteen mirrors
  89. A walnut center table, carved on the edges with giant pike figurines surrounded by lapis pieces
  90. A bowfront cupboard with 3 doors painted with beatific scenes
  91. An iron hatstand made of interlaced drider figures
  92. A blanket chest made from a stuffed ape cradling a trio of spider monkeys
  93. A door in a wall with stained glass dragon figures that leads nowhere
  94. An enormous oak wardrobe that is prone to being haunted by a figure on odd nights that beats the doors wanting to be released; inside, scratch marks can clearly be seen
  95. A three-tier dumb waiter with integral serving set carved to resemble bloated human faces
  96. A refectory table covered in old bloodstains
  97. A trio of undead ravens sit atop a pine housekeeper’s larder
  98. A tulipwood and choker-sinew table cabinet
  99. A walnut cabinet containing shelves and pigeonholes at the back of which are vague and disturbing corn dolls, some with monkey heads
  100. A walnut chest of drawers with knobs fashioned to look like human tongues

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