Dear Ivlysse,

This is Osvaud. As my imp familiar, you are the only individual other than myself even remotely likely to ever read my diary. So I wanted to set aside this personal heartfelt message for you.

Every young apprentice must decide if he or she is going to permanently invest arcane power into a paltry bauble or a living creature. Once this all-important choice is made, it can’t be unmade.

Out of all the options in the multiverse, I chose you. Well… actually, I chose a toad named Hubert because I wasn’t quite ready for an infernal pact (and he helped me not die). That’s not really important. Also, I suspect you ate him, so that’s another win for Ivlysse.

I don’t think I am exaggerating when I compare our eons-long bond to a marriage. We have each continually sacrificed for the good of our relationship. You are my oldest friend, closest confidant, and irreplaceable assistant. You haven’t once balked at your (contractually obligated) servitude, and I’m probably the least easy entity to live with in the cosmos. Never think for a second that I don’t notice the thousand little things you do to make existence easier, from my laundry to setting out my cozy pink bunny slippers of the winterlands.

But… if I ever figure out how to get a sending spell to the past, you’re totally getting replaced by a paltry bauble. Specifically, a sweet rechargeable wand of mnemonic enhancer.

Don’t get me wrong, you are about as good as it gets. Eternity is just a really long time to be stuck with you. Plus, you’ve been super grumpy since I retired from trying to dominate all life with my awe-inspiring magical power.

Admit it, you aren’t exactly thrilled with our arrangement either. You signed on thinking, “Look at this idiot. I am totally going to drag his soul to Hell.” If I hadn’t shoved that particular piece of merchandise into an unholy receptacle, you’d probably be well on your way to pit fiend by now. Don’t tell me that doesn’t make you a teensy bit resentful.

Unfortunately, we are basically stuck with each other until one of us irrevocably dies or something.

Back to you Osvaud.

Should Ivlysse permanently bite it, go with a homunculus next time. They are potentially the best familiar ever, and you are an idiot for not going that route in the first place. I know we’ve still got a few pints of our blood stashed away somewhere, but probably best not to write specific locations down here (looking at you Ivlysse). Anyway, homunculi are awesome. The telepathic link thing is nice, but the best part is how you can pump gold into them to make the little guys more powerful. For my money, having an epic butt-whooping tiny-sized familiar is way cooler than a big stupid iron golem.

Seriously, throw a hundred grand at a homunculus, and you’ve got a cat-sized flying beefcake with poison that knocks a solar on their pompous feathered rear.

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