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Memoirs of a Lich: Wannabes

Memoirs of a Lich: Wannabes

Lich!Dear Osvaud,

This is Osvaud. I’m assuming at this point that you’ve bought in on the idea that I am you. Just in case, I’d like to call attention to your fourth rib down on the left. Upon close inspection, you will find an arcane mark of our favorite four letter word. For any home-invaders, I humbly recommend that you go arcane mark yourself.

Like, what did I ever do to you anyway?!

Actually, don’t answer that. For one thing, this is a book, so the conversation is completely one-sided. I’m sure I slaughtered your father, cousin, or mentor, and you are on some vengeance-fueled quest. I promise your backstory isn’t novel or interesting. I haven’t kept track of everyone I’ve killed, so no; I don’t remember your precious memaw.

Which brings me to today’s topic: wannabe enemies.

I promise, if you are reading this, you are one. Anyone I’m actually willing to give the time of day wouldn’t need to try and pick through my personal effects. Unlike enemies you create or rivals, the wannabes are almost always annoying distractions.

Accidental enemies are going to happen as a matter of course. Mortals breed like bunnies and hold generational grudges. You kill one lame paladin and might have to deal with his family and friends over the course of fifty years. They’ll show up out of nowhere, thinking they are destined to be your final doom. From their perspective, they are telling some grand story and just hit the climax when they start gabbing. It is not their fault they lack proper perspective.

Also, it is just a rule of bad luck that they always show up at the worst possible time. You’ll be in the middle of some dark ritual or burning down another orphanage. It is going to be super awkward, and they always rub it in your face. I mean, it is not like you stand a strong chance of talking them out of being an idiot in the best of circumstances, but it is still really annoying. The best thing you can do is take it on the jawbone while they recite the speech they’ve been rehearsing for years.

When this sort of thing inevitably happens, it is not enough to murder. If you slaughter all of these dummies, then it sometimes exacerbates the problem. They’ll have more buddies who come seeking revenge. Eventually, the whole thing spirals out of control, and you’ve got a line queuing up a mile long.

So… let them win sometimes. Put on a big show, sacrifice some expendable minions, and… whoops, they found your “phylactery.” Really ham it up. Maybe kill one or two of them. Even make a show of trying to escape right before the end, only to fall to some climatic blow by the revenge-seeker.

Then enjoy a nice one to ten day nap. You can take a decade or two vacation, and by the time you get back, it is like starting over fresh.

Oh, and don’t forget to redo the arcane mark.

If you want more Osvaud, you can also follow him on Twitter @OsvaudOffwhite!

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