Master Pett’s Your Whispering Homunculus presents only the finest in British gaming. Indeed, you are not likely to find a more comprehensive assortment of miscellany anywhere.

(So much more than just another bloke in a dress.)

[previously]

“…fly into the marketplace, Titus, and listen. Simply listen. Or you will be punished for extreme naughtiness!”

“Snotling, are you talking to yourself again?”

“Yes, coming, master. I was just trying to decide how to undertake your latest mighty task.”

“Never mind about that now. Come and help me lance this boil.”

Paranoia is a strange thing.

Gather Information checks are not only useful, but they can be fun. As well as the usual gathering of useful knowledge and tidbits of information, when your players fail their checks, you might have them gather misinformation and nonsense. Having the odd red herring and local topic of conversation can, as we have discussed before, also help to establish reality in a setting or maybe throw an adventure in a totally new and unexpected direction.

In urban settings and places such as taverns, temples, and markets, Perception checks can be useful to overhear local gossip, but they won’t always succeed. Perhaps the PC stalking the swarthy green merchant does not hear him talking to his accomplices, but overhears Reg and Torrid the local pig-breeders having a tiff or exchanging tittle-tattle.

Here’s a list of one-liners and snippets to throw at your players when they make erroneous checks in such situations, when they pass locals engaged in conversation, or when they interrupt a conversation to ask questions. These indicate the end of conversations. How that conversation began is left to you.

1. “…says all the strangers are cursed and don’t know it.”

2. “…with a dead eel.”

3. “…it’s the same sword that last hero had with him—the cursed one that stabbed him whilst he slept.”

4. “…also with fur.”

5. “…not wearing anything except his fez.”

6. “…I don’t think they know.”

7. “…is she the one?”

8. “…six kobolds, an owlbear, and a mated pair of squid.”

9. “…buried in the old meadow with his valuables.”

10. “…and a pound of pilchards.”

11. “…Xontor, the Lord of Endlessly Devouring Chaos.”

12. “…watch out, here they are now.”

13. “…heard they’re going to be dead by morning.”

14. “…the ugly one is standing right behind you.”

15. “…I’m not sure they make them that large.”

16. “…I think he’s listening.”

17. “…so that’s what he said he’d heard about the strangers.”

18. “…the one with the bad breath.”

19. “…giants will be here by morning.”

20. “…they have it with them.”

21. “…it’s in their rooms.”

22. “…said he was pretty sure one of them is a demon.”

23. “…don’t tell her, even if she asks.”

24. “…causing trouble like all strangers.”

25. “…and the purple worm exploded. It made quite a mess, as you can imagine.”

26. “…gas-spore paladin?”

27. “…and you know what that means.”

28. “…born with four elephant ears.”

29. “…the one on the left is the ugliest one.”

30. “…quick, put it away.”

31. “…not in that color.”

32. “…pricking their ears up for gossip.”

33. “…and a bucket full of lard.”

34. “…mirror of life trapping.”

35. “…whilst wearing a purple vest of escape.”

36. “…Tarrasque coming this way.”

37. “…on fire, at this very moment.”

38. “…suffocated in his own hair.”

39. “…I didn’t think his mouth was big enough to swallow it.”

40. “…giant frogs all over her kitchen.”

41. “…and just why is he wearing armor indoors, I ask you?”

42. “…don’t worry, remember what happened to the last group who thought they were so tough.”

43. “…hasn’t locked his door.”

44. “…I don’t think he realizes.”

45. “…be quiet, they’re only boils.”

46. “…the rash still hasn’t gone?”

47. “…perhaps the strangers know how to cure it?”

48. “…dropped it in his ale. I’m sure it said poison on the jar.”

49. “…hanging around the kitchens wearing a black mask.”

50. “…not even if you paid me to.”

51. “…it’s in his pocket!”

52. “…no, you tell her.”

53. “…heard he was planning to rob them tonight.”

54. “…watching them with her crystal ball.”

55. “…I heard the wizard is going to betray them.”

56. “…lived happily ever after.”

57. “…appears only at midnight.”

58. “…it’s in her hair!”

59. “…wouldn’t stay in that place for a pocket full of topaz!”

60. “…Secret Weapon of the North.”

61. “…well, they’ll regret it in the morning.”

62. “…be gone soon, hopefully.”

63. “…hold still, damn you!”

64. “…spying on them with her familiar.”

65. “…horrible!”

66. “…if I walk slowly out, hopefully no one will notice it.”

67. “…Archdeacon.”

68. “…with an artichoke.”

69. “…hidden the rotting smell with heavy spices.”

70. “…hanging upside down as we speak!”

71. “…it was stirge pie they ate!”

72. “…cover it in honey, so they’ll never notice.”

73. “…I don’t think they will.”

74. “…perhaps they’d like to?”

75. “…don’t say his name out loud or he might appear.”

76. “…didn’t catch her name but she was frightfully ugly.”

77. “…you’d think he’d try to get it cured.”

78. “…behind the bookcase.”

79. “…and so, ropers were born.”

80. “…with three heads.”

81. “…well, if it rains frogs this time, I’m leaving.”

82. “…struck thirteen times.”

83. “…got it stuck in his teeth.”

84. “…harpy, hell-hound and neothelid.”

85. “…ankheg soup, I said!”

86. “…with batter.”

87. “…quiet, or he’ll know we’re talking about him.”

88. “…always overcharges them.”

89. “…isn’t nice in public.”

90. “…clearly been traveling for some time.”

91. “…must’ve been the group the thing mentioned last week.”

92. “…said they’d be dead by next week.”

93. “…marmalade.”

94. “…turning lead to gold.”

95. “…with pigs!”

96. “….riddled with bed lice.”

97. “…it’s floating in his ale!”

98. “…all alike; pompous, arrogant, and perverted!”

99. “…oo, it is a big stain isn’t it.”

100. “…seventeen oozes.”