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Why should any enterprising GM settle for any old +2hey, what are you

AHAHA, puny humans, you are now subject to the wares of Grut Duckgut, Orcish Armorer to Warchief Krup of the One Functioning Eye! Gaze upon the unmatched might of orcish ingenuity and surrender your goods and services! YOU! Describe them with your pathetic human words!

Alright, alright. I guess this month it’s… orc… weapons.

AHAHA! BEHOLD!

Name Cost Damage Weight Properties
Simple Melee Weapons
  Brick-Tied-to-Head 2 cp 1d6 bludgeoning 5 lb.  
  Gorger 5 sp 1d6 slashing 10 lb.  
Simple Ranged Weapons
  Boil Bag 2 cp 1d4 fire 8 lb. Thrown (range 10/20)
  War Dart 1 sp 1d10 piercing 10 lb. Heavy, finesse, thrown (range 10/20)
Martial Melee Weapons
  Drop Cape 5 gp 1d4 piercing 5 lb.  
  Jawlock 20 gp 1d6 piercing 15 lb.  
  Muscle Blade 5 gp 1d4 piercing 1 lb. Light
  Ten Thousand Blades 77 gp   15 lb. Extremely versatile, heavy, two-handed
Martial Ranged Weapons
  Throwing Shield 10 gp 1d8 slashing 7 lb. Finesse, thrown (range 20/60)

Boil Bag

So here is a leather bag filled with boiling water that I assume you throw at your enemies. The water would probably only stay hot enough to scald for about 5 minutes. But the heat is so extreme that the wielder takes 1 fire damage per round while holding it.

Brick-Tied-to-Head

This is a simple clay brick that you tie to your forehead. And you hit enemies with your head?

YES! With EXTREME FORCE!

Well you would definitely deal 1d4 bludgeoning damage to yourself each time you deal damage with this. And on a fumble, the brick falls off and would need to be retied.

Drop Cape

This filthy cape seems to have teeth sewn into the lining? I don’t really understand—

It is simple! Each round you grapple your opponent, shake them VIGOROUSLY within the cape, letting the teeth, tusks, claws, needles, arrowheads, and pointy sticks rake and scar their soft flesh!

I just want to point out that if you fumble on the grapple check, you would catch the cape on your armor or clothes and be restrained until you spend a full round freeing yourself.

Gorger

I understand this one. It’s just a full boar’s head. If you run at your opponent at least 20 ft. in a straight line and hit with an attack with the gorger on the same turn, the target takes an extra 1d6 slashing damage and needs to make an opposed Strength check or be knocked prone. And if you fail the Strength check, you would be knocked prone instead.

Ha, like a pup exposing its underbelly!

You’re really close to my face…

Jawlock

It’s a beartrap for your mouth and takes a full round action to equip or unequip it. So you attack with it, and if you hit, you make a Grapple check with advantage. If you succeed, then you’re clamped on to the opponent and have advantage on all subsequent grapple checks against them.

DO NOT FORGET, if any of your grapple checks fail, the jawlock is LOCKED, preventing you from speaking, drinking, or eating! It may only be reset by succeeding a DC 15 Strength check! Such is the orcish way!

Muscle Blade

AHAHA my favorite implement of death!

A flashy knife that you tie to your bicep. And when you use Intimidate… by flexing… you can make a free attack against an enemy directly behind you. Huh. And on a fumble, you stab yourself in the ear! I actually like this one.

THANK YOU WELP! Now continue to peruse or meet your end!

Right—

Ten Thousand Blades

This is a giant key ring with a dagger, a shortsword, a longsword, and a greatsword jangling on it. Take a full round action to find the right one and you can wield it with both hands (though it’s treated as one hand given its weight). And only a wielder of Strength 15 or higher can even swing this thing. Novel.

Throwing Shield

Ow, why are the sides of this shield so sharp?

The sharpest edges, whetted to a knife’s point by HUMONGOUS SMITHS!

You can throw it like a plate, but unless you succeed a DC 10 Dexterity check, you’ll also cut your own hand for 1d4 damage and make it unusable for one minute because of the intense pain.

War Dart

So this is an extremely heavy dart the size of a cat that you shot put—

Alright, I’ve had enough! You need to leave.

WHAT??? You dare speak to me this way! Fool, suffer as I bring the full might of 10,000 years of orcish smithing down upon your stupid head…!

—cartoon sound effects—

AAAARGH!

He’s dead. See you next month.

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