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Memoirs of a Lich: Schemes

Memoirs of a Lich: Schemes

Lich!Dear Osvaud,

This is Osvaud. Since I know this diary is 100% safe from being stolen or read by our enemies, I think it is time for us to begin going into detail about our grand evil plans.

Hah! As if. First off, we don’t really do the epic plot thing anymore. Second, of course, if we were to do something along those lines, we wouldn’t conveniently leave pertinent details in an exposition-friendly few paragraphs. So, any hopeful nemeses reading this can bite the back of my pelvic bone.

That brings us to today’s topic: schemes. This is a big one, so we’ll do a two-parter.

A good scheme is like a pet. You don’t want to have one you hyper-focus on because you end up getting way too attached. Likewise, having four or more is a huge hassle. Basically, you want to have two or three at one time. More than that and it is too much crap to clean up, and you get a rep as the crazy cat-lich.

The bad guys who pursue big grandiose schemes are short-sighted idiots. I get why they are appealing and admit we’ve toyed with a few, but don’t get roped into one again.

You get the ones all about domination and control of some city, nation, or world. I’ve found hopeful tyrants don’t usually have a good plan for what happens after their undead hordes have crushed all opposition. Most don’t really get how complicated governance is. It takes a completely different skill set from ruthlessly conquering everyone who stands against you with mindless legions. Once the newbie dictator starts inevitably screwing up, the people they rule over with an iron fist rebel. Brutal oppression is non-stop work, and in the meantime, you’ve got a bunch of minions eyeing the crown because they are equally power-hungry and short-sighted. You never really get a chance to enjoy your vast bloody empire, and you are so committed you end up stuck with it throughout the inevitable decline.

I don’t even know where to start with the nutjobs that actually want to blow everything up. I guess I’ve got to lump those morons in with the fanatics dying because some feathered dandy in the sky tells them to fight evil (cough Khors cough). Don’t ever get involved with these folks, and murder them if you get the chance. The last thing we want is the world ending. There’s a real possibility we’ll survive whatever happens, and how freaking boring would that be.

Finally, there are the huge power-grab schemes. However, we’ve pretty much hit a ceiling, and any schemes to get a little stronger are usually high risk for low reward. I mean, what’s really left at this point? Godhood? Screw that noise. You just step up into a new cliquey club, and then, it’s a neverending quest to become the most powerful god. Yawn. Plus, a bunch of fanboys constantly praying to us sounds like the most annoying thing ever.

Fanatics are exasperating already. They’d be ten times worse if they constantly followed us around trying to collect our severed limbs.



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