The final installment of the Rules of D&D Economics, starting with advice about banking…
Rule 41) Banks are for stupid people – everyone knows that if you give them your money and then they loan it out, you won’t be able to use it any more! DUH! Keep your money ON you!
Rule 42) A rich, unhealthy uncle or grandfather might seem like a big, fat paycheck with your name on it, but don’t start celebrating yet – someone or something else is DEFINITELY going to get that money. The trick is to wait until someone else robs him, so then you can rob THEM.
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Rule 43) Rich kids TOTALLY envy poor kids. A much better inheritance than “gold”, “gems” or “land” – which will really never get you anything – is a killer-sweet stat set, a grudge and a few super-human abilities, because these can (properly applied!) net you an infinite supply of cool stuff.
Rule 44) They say the best things in life are free. “They” are total liars who obviously think that you’re stupid. They best things in life cost a minimum of 100,000 gold.
Rule 45) When borrowing money from your inexperienced adventuring friends the best thing that can happen to you is if your friend is killed by an ogre.
First, you no longer have to share the ogre’s treasure with your friend. Second, you no longer have to repay your friend – he is certainly not married and will never have any children to make you repay the loan. Finally, you get your friend’s stuff to sell – which most certainly exceeds the value of the ogre’s treasure many fold – so much so you probably spend most of your time thinking about joining the ogre’s side…
Rule 46) When borrowing money from your moderately experienced adventuring friend the worst thing that can happen to you is if your friend is killed by a giant.
First, you will have to pay through the nose to have you friend brought back to life. Secondly, if your friend is broke – because he loaned you money – you will have to sell stuff to repay him – so he can kick in for his share of bringing himself back to life. Finally, you not only have to still share the giant’s treasure with your friend – your friend is now less useful in a fight and will keep dying and draining resources to be raised until you are all to broke to keep adventuring.
Rule 47) When borrowing money from your extremely experienced adventuring friend the best thing that can happen to you is you friend is disintegrated by a sorcerer, wizard or demon. You don’ t have to pay him back, he can’t be brought back from the dead, and all his stuff is in a nice neat pile.
Rule 48) The only affordable mode of transportation is walking – until you can teleport that is. If you buy a horse it will be immediately killed in a fight or stolen/eaten at the entrance to the dungeon. If you buy boat a dragon turtle will destroy it or it will be shattered by a storm. If you buy an airship it will crash – heck, even buying a ticket on an airship pretty much guarantees it will crash.
The only exception to this rule is magic trains. Magic trains are always attacked by ninja’s flying on airships – but they almost always break down near dungeons – so they are usually a good investment.
Rule 49) Maque Gwire: I want to say one word to you. Just one word.
Pen-Yaminne: Yes, sir.
Maque Gwire: Are you listening?
Pen-Yaminne: Yes, I am.
Maque Gwire: Potion bottle recycling…
Pen-Yaminne: That is three words, sir.
Rule 50. A lot of people say “time is money.” Those people are probably staying at an inn. If you want to take your time while roleplaying, make sure you are sleeping in a dungeon, on the side of the road, atop a weathered peak, in the middle of a fetid swamp, on a dinosaur infested island, or near a molten river on the 238rd plane of Hell – you can stay here as long as you like for free. Heck, depending on the rolls behind the screen you might even get take-out experience and treasure delivered regularly!
Did you miss Parts 1, 2, 3, and 4? Man, you’ve got some catching up to do!
