Dear Osvaud,

This is Osvaud. In case you still don’t believe me, I draw your attention to the masterful doodle of a pit fiend and balor engaged in a tender yet passionate embrace on the opposite page. Who else would know what that actually looks like? Here’s hoping Duke Adrastor and Lord Gordrak the Eviscerator work out. They make such a cute couple, and we helped make that particular miracle of matchmaking happen.

To any Sir Pompouspants reading when they shouldn’t… gaze in horror upon the blasphemous depiction of the darkest fiends performing the most sinful acts. Know that what has been seen cannot be unseen.

That brings us to today’s topic: allies.

There is a big difference between minions and allies. Minions are basically pets, there for your amusement. If you accidentally kill a minion, it is usually no big deal, and you can always play it off like you’re “making an example” out of them. Allies are different, requiring diplomacy, attention, and upkeep. If you treat allies like minions, they’ll become enemies.

A proper ally is at least as cool as you are, but bear in mind, they might be powerful in drastically different ways. The point is that you should be roughly evenly matched but have complementary skill sets. Two lich wizards—hah, like how many of us could there be, right?—are basically doomed from the get-go. Of course, we both know those posers can’t hold a continual flame to our flair and fashion sense.

When making allies, the first step is impressing your worth upon them. Try not to get perturbed if they haven’t heard about all the awesome stuff we’ve done. It is a big multiverse. Instead, show them through action the sort of sweet magical expertise you bring to the table. Casually throw around a wish or power word kill like it’s no big deal, and let that do the bragging for you. Your lichdom probably gets spoilered quick, what with the whole magic-using, red-eyed skeleton thing, so don’t bring it up. That just makes you seem desperate.

Try not to lose contact with a mortal ally for too long. Of course, time can be subjective. I recommend dividing their lifespan by 100 as a handy rule of thumb. Throw them a sending every one of those time increments, just to show you care and are thinking about them. Fellow immortals take less consistent upkeep but greater effort. Aim for once a decade, but make sure it is quality time. Contact them with some fun activity planned, like a blood sacrifice or forbidden ritual. If you do lose touch for a century or two, step up the effort—like, burn down a sacred temple or corrupt a paladin together. It should be something that really reforges those old bonds and makes for a memorable story.

If you lose track of a mortal ally, they are probably dead. Find out where they are buried, and dig yourself up a new minion.

<<Previously on Memoirs of a Lich