You’ve seen him showing up in Friday’s Funny. Now you can roll with him in your game! It’s Thppgrg, the long-suffering goblin minion of Dark Lord Torkelheim. Take a look at Boomer’s statistics for Thppgrg, whose first diary entry takes you into the world of the strategically important fountain and theoretically important fountain room.

Thppgrg, Long-Suffering Goblin Minion of Dark Lord Torkelheim
CR 1 & 5/6 (AKA 1.8333…)
XP 550-ish
Goblin warrior 1, illusionist 1, bard 1
LE Small humanoid (goblinoid)
Init +3; Senses darkvision 60 ft.; Perception +4

DEFENSE
AC 14, touch 14, flat-footed 11 (+3 Dex, +1 size)
hp 15 (1d10 + 1d6 + 1d8+3)
Fort +3, Ref +3, Will +4

OFFENSE
Speed 30 ft.
Melee quill pen (improvised Small dagger) –3 (1d3–1/19–20)
—NOTE: primarily used for slitting throats of unconscious, wounded adventurers
Ranged disrupt undead ray (and other ranged attacks) +5
Special Attacks bardic performance 4 rounds/day (countersong, distraction, fascinate [DC 10], inspire courage +1), blinding ray +5 touch (5/day, blindness for 1 round [or dazzled for 1 round if target has more than 1 HD], 30-ft. range)
Bard Spells Known (CL 1st; concentration +1)
1st (0/day due to low Charisma)
0 (at will)—detect magic, know north, lullaby, read magic
Wizard Spells Prepared (CL 1st; concentration +3)
1st—color spray (DC 13) x3 (x4, if within 30 ft. of arcane-bonded bedspread, see below)
0—acid splash, arcane mark (the word ‘thppgr’ in foot-high letters only), disrupt undead
Prohibited Schools enchantment, divination

STATISTICS
Str 9, Dex 17, Con 12, Int 14, Wis 11, Cha 10
Base Atk +1; CMB –1; CMD 12
Feats Crappy Arcane Bond (object) (see below), Vague Genre Awareness (see below)
Skills Bluff +6, Linguistics +8, Perception +4, Perform (oratory; incredibly elaborate lies) +4, Profession (cook; rat-based food-preparation only) +6, Profession (gambler; poker only) +4, Ride +10 (NOTE: does not actually ride anything), Stealth +11, Swim +3; Racial Modifiers +4 Ride, +4 Stealth
Languages Common, Dwarven, Elven, Goblin
SQ Arcane Bond (masterwork bedspread that thinks it’s an amulet), Bardic Knowledge +1
Combat Gear quill pen (improvised Small dagger), pants; Other Gear spell component pouch made out of a dead rat, spellbook (contains all prepared spells, all cantrips, and magic aura and silent image, which have never actually been learned), journal, book of dwarven relationship advice and assorted tomes, several dead rats.

NEW FEAT: Crappy Arcane Bond (Object)

You are an idiot who totally messed up your ritual of arcane bonding. Probably because you skimmed your book of magic instead of reading it, like the idiot you are . . . you idiot.

“Benefit:” As long as your bonded object is within 30 ft. of you, it is considered to be “in hand” or “worn” as is necessary for your specific bonded object. Thus, you do not require your bonded object to be worn or in hand, technically, to gain the benefits of the bond, nor are you required to make a concentration check or lose the spell if your bonded object is neither worn nor in hand while casting.

In addition, your bonded object does not particularly like you, and will often attempt to kill you in your sleep. Being an inanimate object, its success in this endeavor is likely to be quite limited.

NEW FEAT: Vague Genre Awareness

You have seen the fourth wall and retain some vague awareness of the fact that you are an NPC in a roleplaying game or, possibly, comedic game-fiction. This might be due to madness or alcohol abuse, or perhaps being raised by an NPC with this feat or one of the later feats in the chain (Unfortunate-Implication Genre Awareness, Min-Maxed Genre Awareness of Ultimate Munchkin-Ness).

Prerequisite: NPC.

Benefit: You can make accurate statements about house rules, hit points, feat slots, rules interpretations, and even edition changes without breaking character. However, you are still limited to operating according to the logic of your universe; you cannot, for example, choose to “cheat a roll,” misinterpret an ability or scribble more gold pieces onto your character sheet at will. Your understanding of creature types and weaknesses, specific spell abilities and other “in-character information” covered by Knowledge skills is unchanged.