A mysterious figure known only as the Culinomancer is a widely travelled individual of renowned skill. Their stated purpose? To create delicious and magical food from every known monster that can be considered edible.

The Culinomancer’s collected writings are popular among a certain niche group of adventurers. Some are interested in the magical benefits such dishes provide. Others are fringe epicureans, seeking pleasure in devouring the rarest, most exotic, and even dangerous food. Whoever this Culinomancer may be, they know their craft. The recipes are powerful aids to adventures, and typically very tasty.

One thing the Culinomancer cannot abide is waste. Sometimes there is too much for a single meal. Throwing out perfectly good food simply won’t do. So, what to do with the leftovers? The trick is combining them into something where nothing seems out of place. A meal with so many variants that no particular way of cooking it seems wrong or out of place.

The Magic of Fried Rice

Rice is an amazing vehicle for a variety of flavors, a truly versatile ingredient. When I have numerous extras from the monsters I’ve defeated and prepared, I inevitably fall back on this simply and flexible recipe. It provides a suitable way to use the remainder of my stock, while creating a wondrous meal that has nearly as many benefits as there are varieties of the recipe to be made. Waste not, want not, some wise person said once. ‘Tis true, especially if it gets you one more good meal.

Now, the trick here, getting back to the original topic, is the rice. Never use fresh rice. Even if you’re making rice specifically for this dish, make it a day in advance. It needs time to dry. Too much moisture, and you have sticky, clumpy fried rice. The water content from many dried oozes will ruin the flavor profile if the rice is too sticky.

Now that culinomancy has provided lessons in both foresight and thrift, let’s move to tools for the job.

Whether you choose the wok or the pan, choose the proper one. Adamantine or mithril would be ideal, but not everyone is so invested in the art. Cast iron works perfectly well. In the end, it needs to be able to take the heat. Fire magic is an important element in these creations, and you need tools that can handle it. Now, let’s get cooking.

New Magic Item: Monster Bits Fried Rice

Potion, Rare             2,000 gp

This dish is a mélange of various diced portions from a variety of creatures, mixed with vegetables (some of which may also be monsters) and a well-seasoned, fried rice. This magical meal can be shared between up to 4 creatures during a short rest. Given the mix of sources within the meal, its effects can vary. Once consumed, gain two of the following effects of your choice for 4 hours:

Monster Bits Fried Rice Substitute* (Leftovers Fried Rice)

In the event that you’ve been spending more effort on downtime than adventuring, this recipe approximates the flavors and mouthfeel of a true monster bits fried rice.

Ingredients

• 3 tablespoons oil (use a neutral-flavored oil)

• 2–3 cups cooked, white, day-old rice (any rice will do; I prefer jasmine rice)

• Three green onions, sliced, separated into white and green parts

• Three cloves of garlic, minced

• 2 eggs, beaten

• 1 cup chopped meat (Whatever you’ve got left in the fridge; any leftover protein works here, in any combination. In a pinch, you can even substitute lunch meat, though I wouldn’t use a full cup; just eyeball it.)

• 1 cup chopped vegetables (Again, whatever you want to use is good here. Frozen veggies work fine. The only caveat is that you don’t want to add a lot of extra moisture. If you use canned vegetables, drain them well before adding.)
  
  Note: Either of the two ingredients above is optional. It’s all about what you’ve got that you need or want to use.

• 1 tablespoon grated ginger (Use a fine grater, not the big one you keep for cheese.)

• 1/4 teaspoon white pepper (You can use black pepper, but white pepper is a more subtle flavor. If you use black pepper, add to taste.)

• 1/2 teaspoon salt

• 1/4 teaspoon MSG

• 1–2 tablespoons soy sauce

• 1 teaspoon sesame oil (optional)

Preparation and Cooking

1. Place wok or pan over medium-high heat and add 2 tablespoons of your oil.

2. When oil is hot, add in the white parts of the green onions and cook about 30 seconds. Then add garlic and ginger and give it another 30 seconds. (What you’re doing here is seasoning the oil, which coats and flavors your rice and other ingredients.) Add in your meat and vegetables and cook for 1–2 minutes.

3. Move your meat and veg to the sides of the wok or pan. Add the rest of your oil and allow to heat up. Add the eggs and scramble until mostly cooked through.

4. Add rice and give it a good stir to heat it through, about 2–3 minutes. If there are any clumps, break them up by pressing them against the sides/bottom of the pan or wok with a wooden spoon. Add soy sauce and seasonings and cook for another 1–2 minutes. Taste and adjust seasonings, if needed, then remove from the heat and add green onions. Drizzle the sesame oil over the top and give the rice a final stir before serving.

_{*Note: While approximating the taste, texture, and appearance of monster bits fried rice, this alternate recipe is not purported to grant any magical effects. A full tummy and satisfied tastebuds should be expected, of course.}

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